Fearless Leader

I would like to introduce a motion to name Kevin Adams "Fearless Leader" whenever he decides to run off headlong into hazardous areas without so much as a backwards glance.  Motion carried? Motion passed.  So...where the hell are we going, Fearless Leader?

We're approaching a valley...that dips from a small rocky formation? You think it's a cave?

I agree with Arturo: either we set up camp here or we head inside, explore quickly, and keep moving.  Sylvester doesn't seem to want to stop, and neither do I, really.  I am not a fan of camping by caves.  Let's head in.

You're right, Kevin.  Arturo should go first into the cave...because archaeologist...and ruins...and stuff.  I mean, I'll offer you Elekid to light the way, if you'd like--

Or use the headlamp you have ready.  That too would work--

BATS.  ALL OF THE BATS.  Everyone be cool...they're still asleep...

...

...

...why is Dee out, Kevin?

GODDAMN IT, FEARLESS LEADER!!! THEY WERE ASLEEP--!

...well, they were.  Arturo, any suggestions?

Remy? But they can fly, and--

You're gonna collapse the whole goddamned cave, aren't you?

Great! And now the Diglett's out to create stronger tremors in the earth...as if Fissure needed any help.

Congratulations, team...we've just Cave of Wonders'ed the Golbats.  Any idea how we're going to investigate it now?

Digging...of course the digging.  No, Gliscor, I think Remy, Caesar, and Juanita got this covered.  We don't want too many cooks in the kitchen--

Aaaaand everyone's hopping down the hole.  Great.  Not me, though.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

...

...

...

TOM:   Not going in either, eh, Sylvester?

SYLVESTER:   Heavens, no!

...

...

...

SYLVESTER:   Do you think they're coming back?

TOM:  I don't know.  They better.

...

...

...

TOM:   Alright, I'm going down there.

SYLVESTER:   Come back soon.  I don't want to go down there.

TOM:  Neither do I.

Okay guys, what is so damn interesting about this hole in the ground--?

WOW.  Okay! Zero elbow room, air full of dust and sand, and ground covered in dead bats.  Yeah, okay.  Going back out.

Yeah, Sylvester, they'll be out in a minute! It's just really tight in there and...

...what is on my head?

ROSES!!

...I hate this bird.

Alright, Kevin.  We done spelunking? Yeah, we're done.  Back to trailblazing, fearless leader.  Let's just try not to be distracted by too much on the way to--

Hey! There's something shiny in the sand! Let me just run over there and pick it up--

(Critical fail on Perception check)

Okay! Saw tiny, shiny rock in the distance...did not see giant rock two feet in front of me...now, my mouth is full of sand--ROSES! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ON MY HEAD!

Oh! So it was a rock-bug, huh? Fine! Scuttle away you little jerk! At least I've got my...um...

Hey, it's a Fire Stone! Yeah! How do you like that! Score one for Team Cedar on desert plunders!

Okay, maybe it doesn't have a whole lot of uses unless I find another Eevee or something...but still...it's probably worth something, and ROSES WILL YOU GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY HEAD--!!

What is it, Slakoth?!?!

Yes...I am aware...that there is a bird...on my head.  Thank you.  Is this how Pidgeotto lives life? I think I understand him a little better now.

Alright, Kevin.  Let's climb this dune and survey our surroundings.

...nothing but sand.  Great.  Maybe take a look at the map on someone's phone--how am I doing? I'm winded, but you're gonna keep running forward, aren't ya?

Water? No thanks, I still got my water bottle from the gym.  I'm gonna...just, you know...drown in this for a minute.

OKAY! What's our next move, Fearless Leader?

Through the Bellowing Dunes? Hey, you're our best shot for navigating this shit, and I'm hydrated, so let's do it.  I go where you go.

OH! Did you need Roses, Jess?! I wish you would have told me! He was being so useful SITTING ON MY FUCKING HEAD--!

Cover up my face? Hey, if you say so, Kevin.  Lemme just take this awful jacket off and wrap it around my head.  It was getting too hot for that thing anyway.

Okay...let's plunge on in.

GUYS! IT'S REALLY WINDY DOWN HERE! AND THE WIND IS REALLY LOUD! WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL WE DON'T SUFFER ANY HEARING LOSS! OR, YOU KNOW...DIE! KEVIN, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING! THE WIND IS SO--WHY DID YOU JUMP?! JUMPING ISN'T GOOD! LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND UP THE NEXT DUNE!

Phew! I'd be happy if I never had to do that--

Seven more times before we reached the end of the Bellowing Dunes.  Great.  No, I'm thoroughly excited about it.  And look, I think I see some creepy Pokemon off in the distance just watching us, and it's too far for the Pokedex to identify.  Yeah, let's keep diving headlong into these desert valleys being torn apart by violent dervishes whipping through the sand like windy blenders.

Jess...are you saying that you noticed that the sandstorms were moving...around us?

KEVIN:   Huddle up!

Oh, excellent! Planning! I love planning! What's our approach? Do we wait to try and find a pattern in the winds? Should we stick together and move as one? Why is Diglett in the huddle--?

...son of a bitch.

WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT CAUSING EARTHQUAKES IS ACCEPTABLE! THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE--!

Hey, the sandstorms are dispersing, at least.  That should give us enough of an opening to make it to the next dune.

Alright, next dune, same story as the last.  Kevin, should Arturo use Fissure and try to disperse the wind again--?

Actually, good point, Arturo.  Fissure could make the dunes unstable and we could end up buried in the sand.  Definitely don't want that--

Oh look! The Pokedex is within range of those creeps on the hill.

POKEDEX:   Darumaka: the Fire-Doll Pokemon.

Go ahead, Arturo...I know you want to.  See? I told you I'd help you find one, and it looks like there's five of them up on that next ridge--

Kevin! Are you trying to use Dee as a glider?! Motherfucker, I invented that move! Gliscor, descend! We're going hang-glider over this next valley! Elekid, clutch a leg!

Now, this is a much better way of traversing this shit.  We use the air currents of the sandstorms to keep ourselves lifted, we don't have to deal with the blue fins down there peeking out of the sand--

Shit, those are Gible.  Kevin, we need to clear a path for the others! We wipe out the Gible, the storms should stop! Elekid, descend and freeze these dune-devils wear they swim!

With Nightsun, Dee, Roses, and Elekid, we should have no trouble clearing the Gible from this--

GAH! ONE'S ON MY LEG! IT'S BITING MY LEG! SLAKOTH! BRICK BREAK!

(Natural 20)

Holy SHIT! Did you break that thing's jaw? Off?!?

SLAKOTH:   ...I have become death.

Arturo, get a move on--you're going to do something stupid and I need to run? You need to tell me that exactly once.  GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY! What are you planning on doing...with your Gastly??

...what is a "Sludge Wave"?

Oh, mother of god! SHIT! ARTURO! BAD ARTURO! THE DUNES ARE COLLAPSING INTO A SEA OF TOXIC WASTE! WHY WAS THIS A THING YOU THOUGHT TO DO?!? JESS! WE NEED TO HAUL ASS UP THIS DUNE! NOW--!

THE GROUND IS SHIFTING! HANG ON, I GOT--

Okay, I've got your Houndour...but you've also got your Houndour! As long as we don't let go of its legs, we should be fine!

DEE! Thank goodness! You push her up and I'll pull! We can't let her fall into the toxic sea! Jess! Whatever you do, maintain your grip! We'll pull you to safety--!

(Critical fail to maintain grip on the Houndour's legs...)

Oh, shit...

(...from Jess.)