I Got The Jumpsuit And Everything

This is a serious problem.  Anubis is in the Bed of Jirachi, and considering that we don't know what kind of dangers are in there already, a pissed off Lucario is just going to--

WOAH! WHAT THE FUCK--?!

Sla--Slakoth?! Did you--?

GURRH! I--STOP--SHAKING--ME--!

JESS:   You okay there, Tom?

TOM:   My--backpack--evolved--I--got--this--RETURN!

Well...he's certainly more animated now!

JESS:   Arturo, what the hell happened, man? He was one of your strongest Pokemon, but if you can't control him...what are we gonna do?

I don't think Arturo's in much of a position right now to answer that, Jess.  He may need some time to think--

Woah, hold on! I know you want to go in there and find Anubis, but let's take it easy for a second here.  I think I know what Anubis needs to hear...but I don't think it should come from Soot.  You catch my drift?

Oh, of course come with me! I didn't want to go in there alone! We have no idea what to expect inside that temple, and Anubis is a little unpredictable at the moment, to say the least.  Hell, there was a giant statue-ghost out here that tried to kill us out here; there's got to be at least twenty things in there with the same thing on their mind.

Elekid, come on out.  We're gonna head into this temple with Jess, Soot, Judgment and Sylvester--

Yeah, I hope Jirachi is benevolent, too.  And Arturo, you may want to consider coming along, if for no other reason that this is your Pokemon we're dealing with here...or was yours.  I don't know what crushing the ball would do, but hey, you should probably go in front...because archaeologist and whatever.

Or, Jess, you could go first.  That's...that's fine, too.  I mean...just...archaeologist--alright, whatever.  Elekid and I will cover the rear.  Knowing Fearless Leader, he's probably run headlong into this place already and disabled every trap in this place--

Oh, I know there are traps! There's gonna be hundreds of them because shit like this is never supposed to be easy.  We're supposed to get killed in these tunnels...our job is just not to do that.

Well, at least the tunnels don't branch off in too many directions.  Shouldn't be too hard to navigate if the rest of this place doesn't get any darker and we keep finding long hallways like this one--

What, you want to sketch this place in your notebook or something? I don't know how you'll be able to see well enough--

Or throw your  book down the hallway? Because--

...

...

...because...pressure-plate...dart trap.  Yeah...

Dis--disable it?! I have no idea--!

Actually? It shouldn't be that complex, right? This place is ancient.  We just need to determine where the regular floor transitions to pressure plates and we can then start to...

Say, Sylvester...how objected would you be to me dismantling this place piece by piece? Because I'm looking at this floor and the pressure plates seem to seamlessly transition from the floor slabs, so I either need to find the barrels that the darts are firing from and use Gliscor to pull them out...or we keep tripping these plates until there aren't any more darts in the walls.

You're good with junking it? Great! I'll just--where did the notebook go?

Soot leaped over the plates to the other side and grabbed the book? That's not very safe, Jess--

"Only a ten-foot jump"? Only ten feet?! Let me explain to you about my life and ten-foot jumps: jumping is the bane of my existence.  I'm disabling this trap.  Now, because Soot took the book, I can't see where the pressure plates are anymore...so I'll call out Sandshrew to dig underneath and find where they start.  Sandshrew, come on out!

Hey boy! I need you to dig into the dirt here, and when you start seeing anything mechanical, start tearing through it with Rapid Spin and pop up when everything is clear.

See? Now we just have to--WHO THE FUCK IS BEHIND ME--?!

...Adams, is that you?

Of course.  Where did you run off to--?

"Why are we waiting?" Well, my Sandshrew is digging underneath to disable the--

...you've already disabled the trap, haven't you?

Yep, Sandshrew seems confused.  Coast is clear, I guess.  I mean, thanks, but...come on, man! This is, like...my thing! This is like the one thing I know I can do! I got the jumpsuit and everything...

Fine...but if we need to restart an industrial generator, or rewire a complex security system or something, I call dibs.

So, it looks like just another long tunnel after this hairpin turn...

But there's a big hole in the middle of the path.  Must be a trap door or something--do you think Anubis came through this way and triggered some of the traps?

Well, it's a decent sized hole, maybe five feet across--NO! No, Jess! I am not jumping over it! Gravity has not been a kind mistress to me! She is a harsh bitch--

KEVIN:   But you've got a jumpsuit and everything.

OH HARDY HAR HAR, ADAMS! HARDY-FUCKING-HAR! A-PLUS JOKE THERE! FUNNY MAN!

Well, it doesn't seem as though Soot can see anything down there.  If it does branch out to another path down there, we could always split up--

And Kevin is across the hole already.  Super.

Well, it looks like the choices are to jump over the twenty-foot pit, or drop into the twenty-foot pit? Don't we have rope or something? Can't we use something as an anchor and just climb down safely?

You're right...not a lot to tie rope to here, and nothing heavy enough to--

Well...we could use my Lapras as an anchor, but he would HATE that--

Is Kevin getting into some kind of battle around the corner?! Shit! Okay, we need to figure out if this is even worth it to go down here.  Is this even a different route?

Yeah, send Soot down there to--nothing down there? Great.  I guess I'm jumping again.  I love this shit--

We are not wasting time, Arturo! Caution is never a waste of time when gravity has been so incredibly cruel as it has been to me recently--!

Alright! We gotta move! I think I hear Dee clashing against something up ahead--

GAH! My fucking shin--OH, SHUT UP! I WARNED ALL OF YOU ABOUT ME AND JUMPING!

Well, at least Elekid has no issues leaping over holes.  He pretty much just blinked over it.  Okay! let's get a move on!

Huh...a puddle of blood on the floor? I wonder if it's Pokemon blood or human blood--

Jess, don't touch that--

...because there might be a trap.  Luckily, this punji stick seems to have broken off, so it doesn't have the same reach as--

Jess! Stop screaming and get off the pressure plate! It's just gonna keep shooting out towards your face until you move!

There's a blood trail leading down the tunnel...that could be Anubis or Kevin Adams, so--

Wait...does anyone...does anyone know if Kevin Adams...bleeds? 'Cause I don't think he bleeds.

ARTURO:   I don't think Anubis bleeds, either.

Well...we have weird friends.  Let's shimmy around this thing and head in the direction of the blood.  Hopefully, that should lead us to--

**CLICK**

FIRE! I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!! SOMEONE GET THIS JACKET OFF ME!!!

Well, there goes my sponsorship deal with the Pawn-iard Shop.  Then again, Jamarcus was a loud-mouthed dumbass, so--I need to call that fucker!

Chinchou? Well, yeah, Jess, Chinchou would work in this situation...too bad I didn't bring him--

Yeah, I knew we'd be going into a desert and would probably need a water source! That's why I have Lapras--!

Okay, yeah, maybe he's a little big for these tunnels, but I guarantee that he's still useful! Look! Go, Lapras!

LAPRAS:   What have I ever done to deserve this, Tom? Why do you insist upon--?

Lapras! I need you to spray me with water! Thoroughly soak me, head to toe.

No, guys, it makes sense! It's the Leidenfrost Effect! Have you ever tried to start a campfire with a wet log? It just smokes and doesn't catch fire.  Well, wet clothes catch fire and skin won't burn because the surface water will rapidly start to boil and will actually insulate us from the fire!

Yeah, makes sense, doesn't it? Alright everyone, come over for a soaking--

How am I sure this will work, Sylvester? I can't jump five feet with a running start without banging my shins.  I'm not sure of jack shit, but this is the best I got right now.

Yeah, good idea, Arturo.  Have Cali spray the ground, too.  That should make sure the soles of our shoes don't melt--

Jess, we did not get wet for no reason.  These flames are probably gas-based, so spraying water isn't going to disable the fires.

So, there were three gouts of flame, so we'll need to run two-by-two in between where the fire shot out.  Hold your breath, try not to inhale until you're clear to the other side.  Is everyone ready? On three: One...two...THREE!

So...no fire now.  Okay.  Now we got wet for no reason.

Well...

...hey look, there's Kevin! Kevin, how did you get past the flames?

KEVIN:   What flames?

...GREAT! BIG APPLAUSE FOR KEVIN!

These walls are getting a lot more ornate now.  Arturo...you wanna...archaeology the walls a bit? Figure out what's going on?

ARTURO:   It's mostly historical, it seems.  Doesn't really help us out in here.

People and Pokemon taking part in enormous battles...Pokemon driving people into this temple...that can't bode well, but there's only one way to go from here, so let's just--

LOOK OUT!!!

Arturo! Kevin! You guys alright? Those statues seem to be on some kind of track, and they launch forward down the tunnel whenever someone crosses a certain threshold.  Alright, you two send your Pokemon underground to try to throw these things off their tracks; I'll send Gliscor up top to smash them into a hundred pieces!

Gliscor! Brick Break!

Now that's what I call teamwork, folks! Let's move forward...and let's watch out for traps, shall we? I knew there'd be traps.

Good idea, Jess.  Roses is a paranoid little bird; I'm sure she'll be sure to see anything out of the...

...ordinary.  Huh, the ceiling seems to have opened up into a much bigger space, but I don't see any--

ROSES:   Roses! Roses!

Rumbling? Oh that's not good--

INCOMING BOULDER! SIX O'CLOCK! WITH ARMS AND--hang on a second...

Oh, son of a bitch.  Lapras, go!

Use Water Pulse! Elekid, hang back until Lapras hits; when that thing is wet, you hit it with the Ice Punch!

POW! Direct hit--but there's a second--oh, Sheila--SHEILA!

HAVE SHEILA ACT AS BARRIER! WE SLOWED IT, BUT IT'S STILL COMING!

Damn! Went right through Sheila--and right through Lapras! This thing is gonna crush us if we don't--!

The ground, Kevin? What--ELEKID! Hold your attack! If Juanita and Cali soak the ground, Elekid can freeze it and this boulder will skid out of control! Release the bubbles!

Now, Elekid! Pound the ground!

It's working! The boulder Pokemon is slipping! It can't keep on its path! Now, Elekid! Hit it hard with an Ice Punch!

That's the end of that--where did Sylvester go?

Didn't have far to run, did ya--? Oh, but you did manage to find a door.  That ought to help--

Jess, be careful.  Be ready for anything when that door opens.

Hmm...there seems to be a bunch of ornate sandstone boxes placed along the walls.  That's...not usual.  Somebody throw a book, I don't want to die in here.

KEVIN:   If this is a puzzle, only Arturo should touch it.

I agree with this with all of my yes.  Arturo, figure this out.  We'll be over here...not archaeologying.

ARTURO:   This seems to be a...a guardian's chamber of some sort--

Hang on...are these things, these boxes...sarcophagi?! Oh no! Nope! All of my nope! I don't like this!

ARTURO:   The door to Jirachi's chamber is somewhere in this room...but where?

Yeah! You find that door! You keep...throwing your sand--why are you throwing sand?

Detecting air current...right.  Okay.  I'll be over here, not touching a damn thing--

That sarcophagus has been disturbed? How? Like someone moved it or opened it? And there's a draft coming from beneath it? Yeah, okay...Vigoroth, get out here.

I smell ghosts.  Get ready for anything.  You too, Elekid.

ELEKID:   Woah! Slakoth, is that--?

VIGOROTH:   HI! I evolved! I'm much bigger now and I remembered everything about Mewtwo and the fire that burned down my home and I tried to tell Tom about that but I can't speak human so he didn't understand and he just sort of looked at me the way you're looking at me right now.

ELEKID:   (Aww, shit.  He evolved into that? Nightsun snapped something like that's neck after the tsunami--I really hope we didn't kill his one of his parents...)

NIGHTSUN:   Oh.

ELEKID:   Did we--?

NIGHTSUN:   Probably.

ARTURO:   Let's see what's inside here--aww, fuck!

Arturo! What the hell hit you?! What's in there--?!

Oh...hey there, Anubis.  So...umm...you're probably wondering--

KEVIN! KICKING ANUBIS IN THE CHEST WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN--Okay team, new plan: everyone on Team Cedar put your hands in the air.  We are not the hostile entity here.

Naturally, Kevin's Pokemon are attacking Anubis, but I'm glad to see you're on the side of talking shit out, Jess.  I recommend hands held high until Arturo pries them all off each other--

...or whatever the FUCK turned the lights out shows itself and I stop pissing myself--

Oh! Disembodied laughing in the dark! I love this! All of my favorite things! Guys! Feint Attack and Shock Wave the second you get a visual of whatever this thing is--

Who let out a Thunder Wave? Was that Roses? We don't even know where this thing is yet.  We need to be more careful--

SCARY FACE! BAD SCARY FACE! NOPE! ALL OF NOPE!

It's blowing Arturo and Kevin back! It's gotta be...behind us--

A LIVING COFFIN?! THIS IS NOT AN OKAY THING! I AM NOT--!

YEAH! Go, Roses! Hit it! Hit it hard!

Soot's joining in on the attack, and Remy is--

Shit, that's loud! I wasn't expecting Remy and Anubis to clang their metal bits against the rocks.  Ugh, my head friggin' hurts--hey! We've got visual! Elekid! Vigoroth! Hit that thing!

Boom! Knocked that thing back into the doorway! Not bad, Viggy--

Why is it chuckling again? What did it--?

Vigoroth? Soot...Roses...you all look...sickly.  What did it--hang on, Gliscor looked like this when I got her out of Tyre's house.  This must be a ghost thing!

It's covering its face now? But I don't--

Roses' attack didn't connect! It must be protecting itself somehow from physical attacks.  We can't hit it directly, but maybe we can still affect it.  Vigoroth, yawn at it! Elekid, erect a Light Screen over us in case it launches an attack at--

VIGOROTH:   GYEEEEEEEUHHHHHH!

ELEKID:   ...what was that?

VIGOROTH:   That is my yawn and that's how I yawn from now on because I don't really feel tired anymore although now I could probably fall asleep if I wanted to I don't feel good...

Soot can't land an attack on the ghost either, but Remy...

Remy attacked the ground! The fissure should be able to swallow it whole--

If it doesn't use its arms to catch itself from falling...but in doing so exposing itself for an attack!

Yeah! Roses' Thunderwave hit solidly and now its limbs are locking up.  Elekid, knock that thing into the chasm with a hard-hitting Electro Ball!

Phew! It's down.  Everyone okay? Anyone seen--?

Adams? Why the hell were you hiding in a ditch--?

Correction: why did you dig yourself a ditch in which to hide? And where is Sylvester?

SYLVESTER:   Is it safe to come out now?

Yeah, it's safe.  You know, I'm gonna catch something for you so that you can actually contribute as opposed to hiding somewhere.  It's better late than never to learn how to handle Pokemon--

Speaking of which...Vigoroth, you really don't look so good.  I think I remember Gliscor getting better once I put her in her ball, so let's see.  Vigoroth, return!

I wonder if that worked.  Vigoroth, come back out!

Nope? Alright, well, hop on my back and slack off for a bit.

Here, give me your--

(At this point, Tom Cedar reached out towards Vigoroth and made physical contact with the Pokemon after contracting the Mummy ability from touching the Cofagrigus.  It was at this point that I, the player, rolled a critical failure on a Fortitude save to resist contracting the Mummy ability from my own Pokemon.)

(And it was at this point that Tom Cedar blacked out on the floor.  Hurray...?)